If I'm truly honest with myself, I will admit that any, if not all, moments of betrayal, happened because I betrayed myself.
And if I'm even more honest with myself, I will admit that I seen it coming. There were always signs, whether mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual. Somewhere along my path I knew that I was not honoring myself or my truth.
What seemed like subtle or insignificant doubts, thoughts, feelings, or actions, turned out to have not so subtle impacts. It's not always the huge, "red flag", "take your breath away" moments of betrayal that get to me. It's the silent, sneak up on me, seemingly harmless, moments that lead to betrayal.
It is my willingness to ignore what I truly think, feel, and believe, at my core, that leads to self-betrayal.
"The first cut won't hurt at all.
The second only makes you wonder.
The third will have you on your knees..."
As I become more aware of why I ignore the cuts, I'm better able to accept them and get to the root of why I allow it.
Cut #1: Not being honest with myself.
Do I know what I REALLY want? And if I do know, am I choosing to ignore it, hoping it will go away? Maybe it will for a short time, however, if it is something that is important to me, chances are it will not go away. It will always resurface until I'm ready to deal with it.
Cut #2: Not living in alignment with my values.
At my core, I know what's important to me. I know what is right or wrong, good or bad. If my actions don't align with my values, I'm in constant contradiction, frustration, and disappointment. And this can lead to self-sabotage because on a deeper level, I know that I'm capable of upholding and living those values.
Cut #3: Making excuses for others' behaviors.
I want to see the good in others. Always. But, it's one thing to be willing to see the good, and another thing to see it continually, at my detriment. I've learned this stems from a fear of not being liked or accepted by others. I've learned that it is my need to see myself as good, because a good person always tries to help, right? By continuing to make excuses, I blame others for crossing boundaries that I refuse to set.
Cut #4: Not speaking up for myself.
Silencing my voice, overtime, can have lifelong repercussions. I am essentially telling myself that my words don't matter. That I don't matter, or that I matter less. By refusing to stand up for what I believe in, or at the very least, share my opinion, I can create resentment. I can only bottle up so much until it bubbles over. And when it bubbles over, it looks and sounds like anger towards others, when in reality it's resentment toward myself.
Understanding that the seemingly harmless thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and actions we take, in an effort to not face our truth, can have significant impact, is a powerful place to be.
Knowing and identifying our cuts, is a powerful place to be. We are now in a position to make a different choice because we understand why we do it. We no longer blame others because we've taken responsibility for ourselves.
And as we honor every feeling, thought, belief, and action, we gain the confidence needed to keep honoring ourselves. And as we rise up to honor ourselves, everything else rises up to meet us too.
Sending my Love and Light.
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