"Forget safety, live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious."
This quote is a reminder of where I want to go and who I want to be. But, I could not live this quote without self-compassion. Self-compassion creates a crack where the light enters. As Rumi states,
"The wound is the place where the light enters you."
So…I made a crack…and dug deep into my wound. Deep into the feeling of unworthiness. I sat with unworthiness; the feeling/belief that I was not worthy enough to receive anything good in my life. The belief that I must serve others first and myself last. The belief that there are “others struggling more than me” so who am I to complain? Or who am I to have and do great things? I sabotaged myself before great things could happen.
I set up unrealistic goals to watch myself fail and validated my failure by saying, “See…it is true…it’s not meant for me.” I then looked around and chose to see all that validated my failure…because it fit my story…it made sense.
There’s safety in the comfort zone. There’s no need to leave and feel true disappointment and heartache. In the comfort zone I can at least “prove” that I am right and live by that “proof”.
I am right. So, I am ok.
I looked at every experience, opportunity, relationship, etc. as a moment that I could possibly fuck up.
So, where did this wound come from?
It was how I viewed my God. “We are made in the image of God.”
How I seen God, was how I seen myself.
God was condemning, judging, unforgiving, demanded perfection, demanded service, demanded I put myself last in life, demanded suffering because it was humble, and disdained money, material things, and high self-esteem. This was the God I knew growing up.
This isn’t the God I know now.
This created a wound that has taken years to heal. I still have to remind myself at times that’s it’s ok to have and do what I truly want. It’s ok to be me, in all my imperfect, authentic glory.
The crack emerged when I could no longer live a lie; betray who I was and who I wanted to be. It came when I decided to test the God I knew. “Either you love me as I am…or I’m out and I don’t care what waits for me in the next life.”
Me: I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.
God: Then don’t. Nobody is asking you to.
Me: You are.
God: You don’t know me.
Me: I want to know you.
God: Only if you’re willing to let go of what you know me to be.
Me: I am.
That was the day I “destroyed my reputation.”
The only thing that has ever created significant change in my life was being vulnerable.
To be so brutally open and honest with myself that it hurt. The unbearable pain of looking at myself in the mirror and hating what I saw.
But I chose to sit with it. I was willing to listen, to understand why I felt this way about myself and to be ok with it. To look at myself and love myself through the process.
Every day a new guest arrived.
Some whispered words of love and encouragement. Some offered guidance and support.
Others screamed words of disappointment and despair. Others offered guilt and shame.
I sat with each of them and heard all that they had to say. And as I listened, I realized that those with the most fear, screamed the loudest, and said the most hurtful things.
I also realized that listening with compassion softened the harsh words over time. The screams eventually faded into whispers, "maybe it’s ok to love."
The crack was an invite.
An invite for each guest to offer healing.
An invite to see my God and myself as one.
An invite to offer love to all parts of myself.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
Sending my Love and Light.
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